He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Those nachos came to me in a dream
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
tell me about the eggs
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
