Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
