I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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