there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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