I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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