We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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