I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
a search helicopter?!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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