Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
