just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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