i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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