My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
