Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
