Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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