also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
