my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
