Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
