i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
