What a fucking waste of an outfit
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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