Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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