fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
