i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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