just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
