Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
