I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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