last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
