I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
