Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
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