Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
