I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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