I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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