im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
