K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
