If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
