The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
