ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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