you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize