We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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