I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
