it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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