As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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