No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
