she takes plan B like it's going out of style
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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