I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
