so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
