He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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