He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
