I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
