Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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