i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
