i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
