who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
