This is not my ceiling
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
