Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
