i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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