also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Randomize
