Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
