I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
