Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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