I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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