Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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