this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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