Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
