i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize