I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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