you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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