i'm signing you up for texting rehab
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
